shall I attend no more

holy shit. I am done with high school. Never will I step into West’s classrooms and be forced to succumb to this thing called “learning.” Oh my fucking God, I’m excited. But then there’s this “college” thing to be conquered. Sigh.

Filed under: Life

I said "no guarantee"

I was happy again today. He called me at work and told me he was coming by. And until he showed up, I couldn’t stop smiling. And I couldn’t stop smiling when he was there, and when he left. The thought of him makes me smile. He brought me some presents today! It was funny. On Thursday I called his show to answer the trivia question to win a cd, and he wouldn’t let me have it because he said I “didn’t count.” But today he brought it for me since no one won.That made me joyful. Reggie and the Full Effect. And since on Tuesday Jenny and I played Keep Away with his keys, guess what he did? Haha, you’ll laugh: He gave me a picture of his keys (with his new bling) and told me that Jenny and I could play with that. I gave him no guarantees as to whether I would stop taking them. I probably won’t stop taking them.

I’m really bummed that I can’t go out with him tonight, with the aunt staying with me and all. I determined that it would be difficult to sneak out. BUT, I said I would probably hang with him the night that she leaves (because I desperately want to) so hopefully that works out.

Life has been great to me lately (as opposed to a few months ago); happy friends, happy family, happy with a boy, and happy that school is out in 5 days.

Filed under: Friends, Life

my mother

Despite her being angry with me, who called her ’stupid’, she still talks to me. Although she told me that I have no mother. I feel awful. I wish we could be friends again. I just rewatched Garden State and when he was talking about his died mother, I felt sad. Sad that in three more months I will be gone off across the county and I will not have my mother’s love again. And I am afraid that when I am gone for that time being, something awful and terrible will happen to her. Like her dying. If she died, I would not know what to do. SHE is my pillar of strength and I love her so dearly. She is my everything and i trust her judgment every single day (even though she has no trust in me at all). I am afraid that when I come back home, she will not be here anymore, and that the last talk we had was an emotionless ‘goodbye’ when I leave. Oh the horror. I miss my mommy. But I am not sure if she misses me.

My problem is that I do not have control of my ownself until it is too late. That night, I was very sorry for what I did and we had a long talk about everything. Then, for some fucked reason, I got angry and irritated. So then, I resurfaced my “attitude” and became an ugly brat. Then I called my mother ’stupid.’ Immediately afterwards, I realized the wrong I had done and I cried myself to sleep.

The horrid feeling still clung to me like wet toilet paper when I woke up the next morning.

Filed under: Rant

& Me

I really don’t know the source of this anger; it keeps me emotional inside. It hurts to think of the people and objects I hate, despise, or love. I have no feelings. Would it be worth it to leave it all alone or stay with it till the end? Only 4 more months, yet I don’t think I could handle it for any longer than 4 seconds. I want to hurt, commit a crime that’ll teach her a lesson on giving me the freedom I deserve, yet if I do, it will also take down the people who don’t need to be down with her. And him. The whole goddamn parental unit. Who would have thought (9 years ago) that it would turn out to be so bad? Was it one little mistake not on my part that have us all speeling about good times and loneliness? Why does one thing matter for nearly a decade of sorrow? I wish I were never from the beginning. I wish this would end. The thoughts that turn over and over in my head are ones I shouldn’t be thinking when I’m so close to freedom; to the sea and the birds, I envy them. To my friends, I envy them. They have control over what they do, whom ever they do it with, and their parents still love them. How did I ever get stuck with such ignorant bastards who will never understand who I truly am because when I tell them, they will absolutely freak out? They will never have the chance of knowing me because they never give themselves a chance. How is it that we’re all so jaded, but I feel most jaded of all? Why can’t they understand that this is a different world that I live in, that I breathe in, and it is not like the old earth which they crawled on? I don’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it. I shouldn’t believe it. They take away my happiness and soon they will take away my soul. Because they say they deserve it. And I have no choice because my whole being is a catch 22.

Filed under: Rant

mange’s bidet day

Doubling words. For some odd reason I feel the need to do correct punctuation. Oh God, I’m turning square. Oh wait, I am already one. Shizah. Anyways, today is our dear Mange’s bidet and we had a Chinese lunch and I nearly burned my mouth with half an egg roll. Today is also the Hen’s half bidet. And almost mine… in 22 more days. Strange, I don’t feel so old, yet I know that I’m almost to the point of year number 19 and 18 hasn’t quite started yet. I think that is because my ‘rents haven’t been able to let go. Yikes, I hope I don’t turn out like them; needy needy people.

I also felt annoying today. I was very yelly and screamy. Poor Liz who had to drive me around. Sorry sorry. I hope she still loves me.

Filed under: Life

apparently, to most of this world, i’m either old or married

“Ma’am? Ma’am?” “Excuse me, ma’am?”

gaaaaaa! I’m going murder those who call me “ma’am”! Am I that old looking? or is it that I look like i’m married? what has happened to all the nice, good people who call young ladies “miss”? or is it that the word “ma’am” has turned to the universal word for female-that-looks-older-than-a-child? the last time i was called “miss” by a customer/stranger was longer than i can remember.

they make me feel old. stoppit.

Filed under: Rant