I’ve been feeling like I have too many thoughts I can’t tell anyone lately. Not that they’re super-secretive, but more like I don’t want to worry anyone or talk to them only because I’m feeling icky.
Namely, Derek and Jenny.
Mostly Derek because I feel like he understands me well. Really well. Which is wonderful, absolutely. But the past month has been quite the emotional hiatus for Nancy, and I feel as if everytime I see him I’ve got something to complain about or something sad to say. And I don’t want him to think ill of me and me being an emotional-rollercoaster-too-much-to-handle because he’s being wonderful enough already. He’s absolutely brilliant and I don’t want to scare him away.
Lately namely:
1) grandpa in the hospital and my reason for not really caring;
2) my mother and my brother’s situation;
3) more Dad crap;
4) school’s been stressing me out;
5) more brother crap.
…and that’s all I can think of right now.
Actually, it’s not really that I don’t want Derek to hear me complain all the time, and that’s because I know he’ll listen, but more because I don’t want him to worry about me all the time. I’ve already worried him twice (and once for sure: “moving out”; the second only because of mother-brother shit, and he told me to call if anything’s up) and I don’t want him to worry too much. Mostly all that. But slightly somewhat because I don’t want him to be pushed away because I seem too emotional to handle and too much crap to deal with. *sigh* I’ve worried myself too much.
And I can’t call Jenny all the time to complain about this and that because I hardly talk to her in the first place. I know she’ll listen, but I can’t rant all the time when I talk to her. I’m guessing that’s not too much fun.
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I’ve been thinking lately too… seems like everyone’s (mostly Jenny, Mandi, and Lizzie) having “the college experience” while I’m stuck here at home. I can’t help but be awfully jealous, mostly because I have a curfew and and don’t socialize much. I seem anti-social lately, don’t I? I can’t even be drunk once with my boyfriend, nor can I stay out late and have fun. Not that “having fun” requires staying out late, but I like being out late. Being out late is different from the daytime. And I like a change-up once in a while. And plus, Derek and I have been planning on getting drunk for a bit now, and we haven’t had the chance to. All I know is that I’m still looking forward to it and when it happens, it’s going to be AWESOME FUN TIMES. Teehee.
There’s got to be another way to let all this shit out in a more constructive way.
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