Winter

Winter doesn’t work well with me. It is during this time of the year that I often feel so strongly this way: a mixture of anger, loneliness, incompetence and frustration.

It’s a strange thing, driving. There are often times when I feel grateful for the short periods of time for myself: just my music and me. It is in the car where I can think, analyze and ponder over things I cannot anywhere else any other time. Usually those thoughts are towards the positive end of the spectrum or just analytical musings. But then there are those times I hate myself for driving alone (such as today). I hate myself for leaving myself alone with the terrible scenes and scenarios that are swimming in my head. I hate myself for allowing time for this to happen, and I absolutely dread the drive to my destination. But at the same time, that terrible gut-feeling I hate myself for is enjoying the fact that there is no one else around to interrupt my thoughts or see me so weak. I am glad that I am alone in my car, free to mentally injure myself as if I find it entertaining to thrive upon depressing thoughts.

Same with the shower. I just spent 25 minutes just sitting in the middle of the tub, the hot water running all over me, keeping me warm. Yet I feel so cold. Cold, distant and angry for allowing myself to feel this way.

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Ooooo, working sucks.

Ooooo, working sucks. I’m so tired, despite a whole day’s rest yesterday.

[norah jones]

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‘Tis Christmas Eve

‘Tis Christmas Eve and I’ve finished my wrapping of presents. Now I sit here alone, exhausted from work, and have nothing to do. The drain doesn’t work in the tub or else I’d be sitting in it with a book.

I was going to drop off presents tonight, but that plan died. People will just have to get their presents late this year.

I think I’m going to go to bed now. I SO SLEEPY.

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Godammit.

Godammit.
I hate Anatomy & Physiology. I got a fucking ‘B’.
Too much time put into lab
which was worth only 25%
for me to only get a ‘B’.
Lecture killed it.
Now my GPA’s only a 3.68
I’m so angry.

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Funny thing, it turned out to be a house party wit…

Funny thing, it turned out to be a house party with only two strangers. If I had known, I would have invited Loppy along.

We were laughing at the fact that Hen threw a party; nobody would believe this 6 years ago. It was great to see people I hadn’t seen since June (graduation!).

I didn’t get as bus’ up as I had before and I happen to be proud of myself, thank-yoo-very-much. I can say that I keep it mildly done with a side of I-can-remember-lots-of-things. Which is good. Means that I know how to keep myself together. Although the mixing of the two things was a rule a broke, but I won’t do it again.

I went to bed early (because I had been up since 6am and did a 13 hour shift at work) at around 3:00am and didn’t really get to sleep till about 4am. Mange joined me in talking, which attracted Hen, which then attracted Lizzied, then when the boys and Hordon finished their smoke in Vito’s car, joined us too. I actually wanted to sleep. It was crazy. And the 4 of us gals spooned in ascending Chinese-ness.

That AlexD, however much I adore him as a friend, he always needs to mention the kiwi. And even though it’s been nearly a year, hearing things that affected me in the past still sends a slight twinge of emotion. Bad emotion. I swear, I’ve never hated someone so much in my life. It’s info like this that keeps me thinking what a waste that last 11 months was. All I can do now is feel sorry for the girls that succumb to his sugar-coated lying, cheating ways. And believe it’s love.

Curry, MattD, AlexD, TonyM, Vito, Paul, Felix, Shannon, Fiona, and Roz were the surprises. I didn’t realize how much fun Curry was until last night. Matt decided to drop the smoking so he could donate his lungs when he dies; how thoughtful. AlexD, I always miss that kid. Vito was fun to hang around with, since the only other times before were when we were doing our Bio project. Paul, Mange and I had great convos in the kitchen washing dishes… and to think Mange and I hated him freshman year because of drama class. Shanny-pants I’ve missed and glad to have seen; we’re supposed to food sometime soon. And Fiona, I’ve got a date with her to have sex with.

And I had lotsa water so I’m good this morning. Hen barfed. But then felt better.

Oh, and I checked my grades this morning … and I fucking got an ‘A’ in Chem Lecture. Hooooly cow.

[slightly stoopid]

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Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

So rumor has it that he’s coming in to town for a visit. But Hordon assures me that it is just a rumor and is most unlikely.

But if this happens to be true, I’m avoiding some people for a while since many of the people I know are also people he knows. One of the downsides of not living in a gigantic city. I don’t talk to people on my ShitList.

Ptcha, like he has the money to pay for the tickets from NZ.

[plain white t's]

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