dear mother

I have suicidal thoughts every time I talk to my mother.

She’s well versed at killing egos, especially mine, which I’ve worked hard over the years to build up since I’ve been away.  But one phone call can chip away a good hunk, leaving me feeling desolate and defeated.

I’d say before 2 weeks ago, I had a healthy ego.  A little quirky in places, but otherwise decent for something still in the works.  Then Hurricane Mother hit and I’ve been left with debris.  It was chaos.  And now I feel like I have nothing.

Rebuilding from the remains will commence tonight.

Filed under: Family

maybe 4 months from now…

It’ Whole Earth time!…aka Hippie Fest. I’m extremely excited; I’ve been waiting since September to get another pair of these earrings that I lost the back to when I was in NZ. And food. Ohemgee FOOD.

———-

It’s times like these that makes me miss my family more than usual. My roommate is having her family over for the weekend because of Whole Earth and Mother’s Day is tomorrow. Who do I have? My friends. Not that I’m complaining, but I don’t have that many here to constitute as family. I wish my family was only a few hours’ drive away; I wish I had the opportunity to see them more often than twice a year (even if that).

Filed under: Family

the way I understand it

You don’t learn much when you’re still living with your parents. It wasn’t until I finally was able to move out and be on my own did I realize how much I was missing and how much I would miss. I feel like I’ve learned a lot on my own in the past 15 months, and as much as I love my family, I don’t intend to EVER move back with any of them. I’m too independent of a person to want the burden and exhaustion of family slow me down; my lifestyle at this phase of my life is radically different from what they want it to be. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my family to pieces, but I can only take them in doses. After a week of being home I needed a break, especially from my parents. My brother I could see hanging around longer with, that is, if he doesn’t get all angsty and teenage-boy on me… ah, but that is inevitable.

Filed under: Family, Life

I get the confirmation and now it’s up in the air AGAIN.

So it looks as if I might end up being alone here in Cali for Christmas break this year. I just talked to my mother about her thoughts on me coming home and she said, “Honestly, I don’t think you should come home this holiday. You’re never home to spend time with family anyway so why waste your money coming back? All you do is hang out with your friends.” Since when am I not allowed to have friends? Gah. I’m also short on money, considering my out-of-state tuition, so I’m not sure if I can (it’s not a matter of want; oh boy do I really want to go home and see snow this winter) buy tickets with the lack of money and it costing nearly $600 roundtrip. So I’ve left it up to her to to decide my Christmas fate: either staying here and not seeing family or friends until next September (and this is still tentative; I’m not sure if I can/will be able to go home then) OR going home and having to be home more often to spend time with family doing nothing. Absolutely ridiculous.

Despite having moved out, I still feel very much tethered to my mother. This is not fun. Oh, not fun at all.

Also, my brother’s curfew was 1am this weekend. What. The. Fuck. This past summer mine was midnight. And I’m 4 years older than this kid! I’m going to argue that if I do go home this holiday break I get NO curfew because I’m way beyond the age having my parents control my every move, AND it should make up for all the additional time I’m supposed to be at home. Goddamn.

[matt pond PA]

Filed under: Family, Rant

Exciting, BETTER news:

Having relatives is great:
I’ve rounded up ~$4200 for my NZ from just aunties on my mother’s side alone. Pretty sweet.

My father:
1) Does not approve of this trip, therefore
2) Did/is not contributing funds for this.
[Effin' poo!]

I’m now only a few hundred dollars short… and then I need to find spending money. (Summer job, yesh?)
I seriously thought I would have to pull a load from my savings, but I guess not.
Not bad… Not bad at all.

Filed under: Family

Happy New Year of the Pig!

Happy New Year, everyone!!!

I’m now 22 years old.

I’m currently in LA with my aunt and step-uncle and step-cousin (my cousin Vinny, haha). I’ve been gorging on lots of good food, red envelopes, and family. Ah, I wish I was home with my mother right now.

This is new to me: LA has a Metro now. Vinny and I rode it from Chinatown all the way to Universal Studios/Citywalk. We were also planning to visit Santa Monica on the way back, but by the time we were done with Citywalk the rainclouds were already rolling in and it was getting a lil chilly for me because it was getting REALLY windy (and I was wearing just a t-shirt).

All in all, very fun day.

Filed under: Family, Life